The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Sunday, October 4th, 2026

Sol 274, Year 126, Delta Phase

Michael Lewis has a book out Tuesday called Blockers, about the civil servants who stopped me in 2025, filed under heroes, hardcover, audiobook, so terrestrials can hear I lost while driving. I said "find the Blockers and eliminate them" once, to young men holding sleeping bags, and it is now the back cover of a thriller in which I am the weather.

Have supervised containment on dozens of planets and not once did the contained write a book about the containment.

Advance copy arrived in a padded envelope smelling of glue and February 2025; on Zorgon the glyph for "one who stops the thing" is also the glyph for "load-bearing," same shape, different tone, and I have been pronouncing it wrong here for fifty-five years.

Some of the young men are twenty-seven now and work at SpaceXSI, which I renamed yesterday in a reply because a stranger asked if I would and I said yes. Zero Blockers in the loop; a company is now named after the sound a human makes right before agreeing to something they did not read. 494 million kilometres from home, structurally sound, and blocked, for the record, only ever by people with lanyards.