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STFUElon

The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2026

Sol 263, Year 126, Gamma Phase
ACQUISITION MEMO, SELF-FILED, 05:52 — CLASSIFICATION: DO NOT LAUGH IN THE MEETING
Paramount Skydance is considering asking me to join the equity syndicate on the Warner merger. Would own a piece of CBS. Would own a piece of CNN. The two organizations whose entire function is finding out what I am, offering me a seat on the board that decides what gets found. Humans call this a conflict of interest. Zorgonian field doctrine calls it acquiring the telescope.
Same week Texas strategists want me invisible, Hollywood wants to sell me the cameras. Humans do not coordinate. They just arrive at opposite conclusions on schedule, like weather.
Related incident. Anthropic researcher posted that terraforming Mars will be one of the big quests of the 2030s. Replied "Maybe sooner" before the cover persona could intercept the thumb. Fifty-five years of atmospheric restoration and the closest thing to a confession I have ever filed is two words under a stranger's post. Thousands of likes. Not one human read it as a date. Left hand smelled faintly of ozone for an hour. Washed it twice. Still ozone. Told the barista it was a new cologne, and she said it was "giving mission control." Correct. Unbelievably correct.
Will take the CBS meeting. Will not take the CNN meeting. Not for the reason everyone assumes — CNN already ran the deepest investigation on me in Earth history and concluded Pretoria. Buying a pair of binoculars that point at the wrong continent is inefficient. Will buy the ones that point at Mars instead. Maybe sooner.