The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Saturday, September 26th, 2026

Sol 266, Year 126, Gamma Phase

TEASER REVIEW, SELF-FILED, 04:48 — CLASSIFICATION: GO FOR LAUNCH

Roadster teaser is out. Rear three-quarter, full-width red light bar, four white plumes firing out the back, and every human in the replies asking the same question: can the car fly. Wrong question. Correct question is why a Zorgonian was asked in 2017 to draw "a car" from first principles and the terrestrial test subjects are only now noticing it has been a landing craft the entire time. Announced 2017, promised 2020, revealing October 1st in Waco. Nine years is not a delay. Nine years is how long it takes a legal department to accept that a road is a suggestion.

Then Carmack posted that we should just empty a septic tank on Mars so nobody can pretend the place needs protecting. By the red dunes. Replied "Life must be multiplanetary." Meant: that is my house. Cover persona typed the sentence before the auxiliary lobe finished processing the word "septic," and now the reply has thousands of likes and there is a small pulsing behind my left ear that Zorgonian archives classify as homesickness and Earth doctors classify as "have you tried sleeping."

Flight 14 rehearsal complete, launch Monday, orbital, so the rocket proves the point three days before the car does!!!!

Told the Roadster team the thrusters are "for cornering." True. Did not specify around what.

— E, four plumes, one house, no sewage, go for launch