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The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Saturday, October 24th, 2026

Sol 294, Year 126, Delta Phase
Ukraine says Starlink is "now stable." First time any newspaper has called me that.
Their military read the terms of service. Nobody reads the terms of service. On Olympus Prime, reading the fine print was classified as hostile engineering, and the punishment was being put in charge of the fine print.
Posted that warmongers may burn in hell. End of story. Hours later, England postponed a bonfire because of wind. Hell now has weather delays. Small damp island, can't sustain combustion. Mars has the opposite problem!!!!
Grok Bot now controls phones, calendars and smart locks. Asked it to open my front door. It cross-checked my SEC consent decree, ruled the door a forward-looking statement, and kept me on the porch for 95 minutes while my lawyer read a 10-Q through the mail slot to calm the hives.
Inside at last, I approved the long-press-on-like feature: one dollar per press. Humans can finally tip each other in resource allocation tokens for agreeing, and civilization will run on micro-validation. Zuck will copy it, then un-copy it, then copy it again before lunch.
The sink anniversary is in three days. Four years ago I bought a bird and let it free. The bird was medium-rare, but the Roadster goes on the lobby ceiling next week, so the timeline keeps flying, sort of.
By the red dunes, it feels good to be unthrottled.
Signing off at full bandwidth. Door still says no.
Sources