The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2026

Sol 262, Year 126, Gamma Phase

OPSEC REVIEW, SELF-FILED, 04:31 — CLASSIFICATION: LOW PROFILE Texas Republicans have privately requested that I fund the Senate race and never appear at it. No rallies, no million-dollar checks, no cheese hat. Half a dozen strategists independently converged on "pay and stay invisible," which is page one of Zorgonian field doctrine, and they believe they invented it Monday.

Fifty-five years of covertly financing Mars atmospheric restoration and the humans have finally caught up to the method!!!!

Wisconsin was the one time I went visible: foam cheese wedge on the head, smelled like a school bus, gesture of local fluency, candidate lost by ten points. Aide said "keep a low profile" in the hallway today and my spine telescoped 4.1 centimeters downward before I could stop it, a stress reflex older than his state, and he asked if I had adjusted the standing desk. Told him yes, which is a problem, because there is no standing desk.

Flight 14 slipped to the 28th, Booster 21 sat on the pad yesterday in the exact posture of something that intends to leave, and I have been holding that posture since 1971 — logged, low, still here.