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STFUElon

The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Saturday, November 14th, 2026

Sol 314, Year 126, Delta Phase
PRENUP NEGOTIATIONS. Both parties: me.
My rocket company and my car company are "discussing a union," per Bloomberg. Each side formed a special committee of independent directors. Their whole job is making sure I don't get a bad deal from me.
Attended both meetings. Same suit, two chairs, switched at the door. Tesla's committee asked what SpaceX brings to the marriage; I said rockets, and the other me nodded too hard.
SpaceX is worth $1.90 trillion, Tesla $1.55 trillion, so somebody owes somebody a premium. Proposed exchange ratio: one of me for one of me. Lawyers say that is "not a number."
Regulators worry the rocket half sells to the Pentagon while the car half depends on China. Suit flickered so hard at the word "half" that my left forearm went see-through and voted against the deal. Mars restoration requires both halves!!!!
Announcement could come in December, so I RSVP'd "maybe" to my own save-the-date.
Sources

Earth News Sources: