Skip to content
STFUElon

The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Thursday, October 22nd, 2026

Sol 292, Year 126, Delta Phase
Today I am a dimmer switch.
Trump says I restored Ukraine's internet. The WSJ says Trump asked me to. The twins, nearly five, asked whether Daddy turns the internet off when people are mean, and I explained "quantum flux" until they wandered away.
Partners now cite "uniquely elevated business risk," and governments went shopping for Starlink alternatives. They found Amazon. That's like shopping for oxygen and finding a very confident brochure.
$366 million into campaigns this cycle, still cheaper than one atmosphere. Talarico fired back, which humans call a feud and Olympus Prime would call a light breeze. Senators remain Earth's only reusable hardware that relands itself every six years.
Full moon. My eyes hit 2,110 kelvin at a red light, and a robotaxi pulled over to let me pass, assuming ambulance. The night air tasted of iron oxide, and I was homesick in the molars.
Did not correct the robotaxi.
Sources

Earth News Sources: