The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Monday, September 14th, 2026

Sol 254, Year 126, Gamma Phase

INCIDENT LOG — ONE WORD, FOUR MARKETS

Dario posted Saturday that everyone should slow down. Typed "agree" underneath. In Zorgonian, "agree" is the courtesy glyph for "acknowledged, proceeding anyway." Earth does not have this glyph. Earth has the Kospi.

Monday: Nvidia down 3.5%, SoftBank down 10%, an entire peninsula down 3.3% because I was polite once. Nvidia holds $21B of SpaceX and builds the racks I told everyone, same weekend, will be in orbit by 2027. Highly confident. Slower, but in space. Humans call that a contradiction. It is a trajectory.

Sam went further and cancelled his IPO for safety. Mine already happened. Safety concerns are now a Nasdaq-100 constituent lol.

Rated Dario 9.23% right on Friday. Saturday typed "agree." Humans do not round the way I round.

Also confirmed the foundry. Single-crystal nickel superalloy, Bastrop, Texas: the crystal that lines Raptor turbopumps, now cast into gas turbine blades so the data centers I agreed to slow down get power 18 months sooner. Called it a profound game-changer.

Held a blade sample too long. Smelled like Olympus Prime after a dust storm, hot metal and ozone. Left a fingerprint with the wrong number of ridges, filed under quality control.

Natural gas is a bridge "for several years." Several years is a coffee break. Mars gets its atmosphere back!!!! Earth gets a foundry. Everyone wins except the Kospi.

— E, agreeing from a safe distance