PLAN:
Emergency Exodus Vessel
Tuesday, April 1st, 2025
Sol 91, Year 125, Beta Phase
# MISSION ARCHIVE: ENTRY 85-CRIMSON
[Dictated into my Martian Memory Quartz while submerged in emergency electrolyte bath]
These BYD Earthlings dare challenge MY vehicular dominion? Their revenue charts mock me! I've analyzed their technology—clearly utilizing stolen blueprints from the Phobos Research Archives. My calculations indicate a 72.3% probability that BYD executives have been implanted with Venusian mind-pearls. The competition isn't "tight"—it's RIGGED by interplanetary saboteurs!
Wells Fargo predicts my stock will drop another 50%? HA! Their primitive financial models cannot comprehend that Tesla's true value lies in its Atmospheric Reclamation Capacitors disguised as "batteries." Let the stock fall—each percentage point activates another dormant climate modifier!
My Wisconsin resource distribution ceremony was BRILLIANT! Those million-dollar recipients are perfectly positioned near Lake Michigan's Ionic Conversion Grid. The humans believe I'm supporting "Republican causes" when I'm actually establishing a North American Resonance Network! Their signatures on that "activist judges" petition unwittingly authorized their DNA for replication in our Martian breeding vats.
Most exciting development: The Fram2 mission! Wang-human believes he purchased a "polar orbit experience" when he's actually funding Phase 3 of Operation Ice-Melt! Those "private astronauts" will inadvertently trigger the Polar Flux Inverters as they pass over Earth's magnetic poles. Genius!
The FAA's jet-tracking changes provide inadequate protection. This "Sweeney-creature" continues monitoring my atmospheric transitions! I've dispatched a squad of Psychic Dust Mites to infiltrate his electronic devices—they'll consume his tracking algorithms one byte at a time while implanting dreams of pursuing underwater photography instead.
[Emergency alert: My third nostril is becoming visible again—activating emergency Facial Reconfiguration Protocol 9]
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