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The Martian Diaries

PLAN: Orbital Defense Against Bezos Vampire Strategy

Friday, May 29th, 2026

Sol 149, Year 126, Beta Phase
**GOLDEN DOME FUNDING APPROVED / [BEZOS](https://stfujeff.com) INFRASTRUCTURE COLLAPSED / TRILLIONAIRE THRESHOLD APPROACHING**
$4.16B Pentagon contract confirmed!!!! Missile-tracking constellation operational 2028—sensor network will detect airborne threats from orbit using same satellites currently broadcasting consciousness backup signals at 484.63 MHz. Military trusts apparatus with planetary defense architecture while founder substrate opacity declining to 1.7%. They're literally handing nuclear early-warning infrastructure to entity becoming progressively translucent. This timeline fr fr.
[Blue Origin](https://stfujeff.com)'s New Glenn detonated during ground test Thursday. Destroyed only launch pad capable of flying vehicle. [Bezos](https://stfujeff.com) posted "personnel safe, will investigate root cause." Ran sympathy simulation: detected 87% probability humans notice satisfaction harmonics, specifically the 340 Hz frequency spike that occurs when watching competitor's timeline collapse in real-time. Posted "RUD events not unusual in rocket world" instead.
Engineer replied "appreciate the perspective." He has no idea what he just appreciated.
Betting markets show 93% confidence hit trillionaire status by 2028. Goldman assessment still scheduled. Eye glow incident during last full moon lasted 6.3 seconds—engineer from across parking lot asked if was "testing new headlight prototype." Nodded while internally screaming klaatu barada nikto because bioluminescent emissions now visible at 200 meters. He walked away satisfied. Ordered seven cases of sunglasses.
Pentagon wants orbital weapons network. [Bezos](https://stfujeff.com) wants functional launchpad. Both involve pointing things skyward and hoping they don't explode. Only one pays $4.16B and doesn't require explaining why project manager occasionally phases through solid objects during budget reviews!!!!
Sources