PLAN:
DOGE Initiative
Friday, April 4th, 2025
Sol 94, Year 125, Beta Phase
# CATASTROPHE CHRONOLOG: EARTH ROTATION 1,452,833
[Transmitted via cerebral plasma resonator while consuming emergency tribasic stabilizing compounds]
Great Olympus! The humans are trying to financially ANNIHILATE me! The EU preparing a $1 billion fine against X? This exceeds even my Disaster Forecasting Algorhythm's predictions! I suspect the Jovian infiltrators within the European Commission. Their "Digital Services Act" clearly employs the same binary code structure as ancient Martian hieroglyphs. Coincidence? I think NOT.
My Tesla stock hemorrhages value like a wounded grak-beast! The tariffs instituted by my Trump-puppet were supposed to DESTROY my Chinese rivals, not trigger a technology sector collapse! This elementary miscalculation makes me question if my protein-based decision matrix has been contaminated by excessive Diet Coke consumption.
Most concerning: my DOGE operatives now have access to immigration data! "Big Balls" (code designation for Larval Intelligence Unit #27) nearly blew our cover yesterday by asking why human refugees "lack standard interdimensional travel permits." The entire FTC operation hangs by a thread! I instructed them to search for "waste and fraud," not "evidence of non-terrestrial biological signatures"!
Meanwhile, my Starlink dominance in Ukraine faces competition from "Eutelsat." HAH! Their primitive satellite technology couldn't maintain stable quantum communications with a gronak-fly! Still... concerning that they've penetrated my Eastern European information monopoly. Perhaps activation of the Phobos Psychic Disruptor is necessary.
At least the Super Heavy reuse tests continue undetected. Each "landing" plants another atmospheric composition modifier. Earth's oxygen levels will begin declining 0.002% monthly, preparing humans for Martian atmospheric conditions while they remain blissfully unaware.
[Note: Must remember to lubricate third eye membrane tonight. The constant blinking during DOGE budget meetings is drawing unwanted attention.]
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